Once Cancer Enters Your Life, How Do You Act?
By Diana Perry
When a kid is diagnosed with cancer you never think it’s going to be your kid. When you first hear those words, “your child has cancer,” you just think it’s a bad dream. When my son, Joshua Perry-Hall, was diagnosed at 15 years old with stage II Hodgkin lymphoma in December 2011, it didn’t make sense to me. Joshua was young and healthy. But, every word and every movement in the room didn’t seem real. I thought, as a mom, I’m supposed to protect my child, fix their problems and keep them safe. All I could think about is, “how am I going to fix this?”
“Is this my fault?”
“How is this happening?”
“What are they talking about?”
As Joshua and I left the doctor’s office, all I could think of as I scanned the room meeting people’s eyes was, “do they know?”
When I stepped outside I realized I had been holding my breath and hiding the tears and any look of fear, as not to show Joshua I was shaken to the core. My job was to protect my boy and show him it was going to be ok.
But, how are you supposed to act when you have just been told your son has cancer?
When we arrived home, my husband handled the phone calls while I shut out the world behind my bedroom door as I prayed and cried. I thought if I could get all those emotions out, I could put on a brave face for my son and it would be ok. Then I realized this was just the beginning of the struggles that were yet to come. I knew we were up against one hell of a beast. I started thinking about all the commercials asking for donations for children’s hospital. I thought of the people I knew that had gone through treatments and didn’t make it. I thought, “how are we going to get through this?”
“What if I don’t have what it takes?”
“What if…”
I held Joshua in my arms that night as we sat together as a family. Even at 15 years old, he was still a scared little boy seeking comfort from his mom. As I held him closer, the gravity of the situation was finally hitting me, and I knew I had to be his safe place to fall. All I wanted was for Joshua to feel safe, even if it was just at that moment.
As we watched Breaking Bad (his choice), no one spoke a word, no one cried. We sat there in our own silence — numb to the reality that cancer was sitting in our living room too.
The days that followed were full of appointments. Joshua had CT scans, an echocardiogram, a biopsy and a port was placed on his chest. With every scan and every test, I prayed it would be 100 percent accurate and that the best choices were being made for my son. This is when my faith was put to the test and I finally realized that there was absolutely nothing I could do to fix this. This time it was in someone else’s hands and I prayed like I never prayed before.
As new information and medical jargon were thrown at us, the medical team was also telling us the process and protocols of what we may experience, including what each drug will do and its side effects. But, what the heck did any of it mean? I began researching the protocols and drugs they choose to use. Learning the side effects of these drugs tore through my heart. I’m not sure if learning about the cancer or the treatment was worse.
I realized it was not going to be easy, and it was going to be painful at times. No one likes to see their child hurting, let alone suffering in pain. Knowing that I couldn’t take that pain away and that we were going to let doctors put poisons in our son’s body to kill the cancer was a hard burden to bear.
From January 2012 to May 2012, Joshua was in treatment. He went through 12 weeks of intense chemotherapy drugs, followed by six weeks of radiation that was given five days a week for six weeks.
Here we are, six years after treatment and Joshua is cancer free. But, the fear of recurrence doesn’t stop. Until you’ve lived through this, the reality of so many children dealing with this disease never leaves your mind. I learned early on, that nobody will “get it” or understand it unless it happens to them.
What I would really like people to understand is that even after the last treatment, there are still years of treatment to follow. It may not consist of chemotherapy or radiation drugs, but these kids just don’t get over the months they spend fighting for their lives and staring death in the face. They are challenged with a lifetime of physical and emotional issues and left with the “what ifs” and the “why me.” They and their families live in fear, with every sniffle, every bump, every cough and every yearly check-up. Only gaining a moment of relief when the doctor says, “all clear.” Then you hug your child and thank God for one more year.
I admit I was one of those people who would donate here and there and feel bad watching commercials of sick children. But I never quite understood the true meaning of what a small donation could do. When your child is battling cancer everything in your life stops, while everyone else’s lives keep going. Take a moment and step into the shoes of a parent that has a child fighting cancer. Without the help of amazing organizations like the St. Baldrick’s Foundation, new treatments, research and clinical trials would not be possible. The more we can educate and help raise money for research the more lives we can save.
Donate now and give kids with cancer more treatment options.
